Who am I...

Here today, I am a 19 year old adult girl who is struggling from having to change. As days are passing by and time for my rest is getting shorter, I realized what horrible things I have done and yet I  do not acknowledged my wrongdoings. I wanted to do sth good for my family, for people around me and for my future sake, but what was in me all along was unwillingness to change, stubbornness, laziness, and attention seeker. It is as if I am trying to find a solution to my problem but I am not willing to respond to the solution I have found. 

Even as I am writing these, I feel that something inside me is still persistently there, not wanting to drift away. The bad and unwanted thoughts always appear in my head whenever I'm about to do sth for the better. So, I have been thinking all along....what am I here for? What am I doing to myself, knowing that change is necessary? Why am I stuck in my current position of all these thoughts in me..........am I evil or what? 

Yes, you can give me all sorts of solutions to my problem. But it seems that my heart cannot be satisfied. Once the current problem is resolved, I feel the reluctance to let it go or even other desires that came in unwanted...I still want it in me even though I detest it. To me, is like constantly doing sth you know you shouldn't do but you continue to keep these bad habits to yourself. Seeing my friends moving forward, I feel encouraged knowing that there are indeed many good people in the world where I feel I know that what I'm doing each day is worthwhile, but on the other hand, I feel insecure  seeing that I'm not doing much improvement as I'm in the bondage between my tertiary studies, daily chores and my psychological problem.

Shouldn't I count them as blessings to me....What I mean is like having good friends to hang out with, a comfy home to live and also a scholarship that is preparing me to explore further.Ya, many in the world do not have these kind of opportunities at all so what is it to be disappointed about. What is there to stop me from enjoying more that will be offered ? I'm weird, aren't I?