Distress in Miseries

There are times when I felt the loneliness in me eventhough people were around me....Probably, it is because I couldn't find someone who I can rely on and trust at that moment. So right here, right now...I want to cast away all my thoughts and worries onto this piece of the day.

First and foremost I'm extremely ashamed of myself today because I have been thinking of evil stuff....I mean EVIL.. I've been wondering to myself how do I ended up being ill while the others are managing their life pretty much the same....Why do I have the constant feeling of failure in me? What I want is to actually feel the joy of receiving this second chance of education. And you know what, I've been having this big ego in me about my cleverness in class because it seems to be I'm the only smart one there....And while I'm this arrogant, I feel the insecurity in me of failing and not performing well in coming exam. Well, I think it is because of the wrong decision I've made and the feeling of failure in committing to life seriously.

I wanted to help friend badly but at times when I'm offering my help, my mind would be thinking'' are you sure you want to continue helping people while I can't even manage myself?''. So, I ended up pausing myself for a while and then thinking again, helping probably is still the best thing to do at that moment.

I've caused enough pain to my family and rebelliously went against God's will more than I could count. I could have achieved more than I could possibly imagined if only I know what is right to do....But there are times that i couldn't do the right thing because of other factors contributing to it...I get extremely worried and I will think what would happen if I look at the world all in the negative perspective and what if there is very little chance of recovery to my normal self.

I hate it but let me tell you honestly, I was happy for malingering and being useless towards my family a few hours ago... Now, I felt extremely disgusted with the way I behaved that I don't think that this is who I am. Am I the person who actually offer advice and hopes to those who are in despair when I'm so stupid thinking of selfish demands and looking at the world so miserably.

HATE IT! HATE IT! HATE IT!!!

No worries....I have not damage my laptop's keypads yet while I was typing loudly and giving each key a big thump.  That's all...glad you are reading it while I'm this wretched but probably when I read it later, I will be wondering 'what the heck am I writing about myself'....    :(