Perceptual Experience of Now~ 25th Dec 2013 at 5.57pm.

I'm a girl lived with a decent average family and that I have my necessities of life met each day.

It's fun to have friends whom we can share times of joy and times of sorrow.

I'm grateful to my father who has never once abdicate his roles as a father to 3 children and my mother who has perseverance in facing ups and downs in life.

It's a relief that I no longer have the scholarship due to my incapability to show my potential at the moment. Being able to study at a health college nearby is as much as opportunity as the time I had a scholarship.

Having to do housechores and dealing with maid has allowed me to have more understanding and increase control over the household.

As days goes by, there's never a day where I would be out of trouble and that's why I would like to applaud for myself for having to make this far.

Thanks to my family being a christian since I was born, I've been exposed to the wonders and miracles of God's creations and influenced by his everlasting love shown by parents, relatives, friends, and even animals.

Flowers blooming each day with crickets and grasshoppers hopping here and there indicate that there is life going about and that there's never an end to what God's creations can show us....

With advanced technology being invented to assist in the activities of our daily living, it has made the world progressing fast in evolution and that the well-being of humans been improving over the past decades.

Internet as being the most important invention of all allows us to be updated with latest development and assists us greatly in meeting our needy demands each day in terms of economics, health, social and well-being.

No one can live without God's guidance and what we do and perform each day in minutes and every seconds are God's plan for us. He's the one who knows us the most from within our hearts and never will he forsake us as long we continue to trust in him.

A lonely Christmas

This year happens to be the year when my uncle from England stay for a fortnight in Sibu with his family for Christmas. As such, there is only the five of us in the family that get to celebrate christmas together.....To be honest, I was feeling kind of nervous throughout the whole morning while I was doing my housechores and cooking winter melon soup for my brother.....

Knowing that I have to do the job, I persisted in my work but I wasn't able to enjoy like I used to....In fact, I was feeling kind of insecure and that the temptation of seeing my friends and hang out were still in my mind.....Darn it.....don't exactly know why I turn out to be like this....

Nevertheless, I finished by the time the clock struck half past three.....All that's left to do is to take a good refreshing bath as I do stink of pork from cleaning and clearing the fats of the pork for soup making.  Tonite, my mum, younger sister and I will be going out although, it would be so much fun if I hang out with friends to celebrate Christmas Eve.....Wouldn't that make a lot more differences than opening christmas gifts at home?

There is still around 8 more hours to go to open Christmas gifts and just another 2 hours left for my father to bring us out for dinner...Hehehe....at least this keeps company from asking for more.....Probably listening and playing christmas songs would be nice to keep me company for now....Tata....Will continue later at night if possible...

THE NEXT DAY....
Just to continue from last night......My mum, sister and I went out for dinner at Pizza Hut where we ordered a regular seafood pizza, garlic bread, mushroom soups and two glasses of Mountain dew...For our side dish, we ordered a plate of spaghetti carbonara in case we were not full. Though it isn't like an extravagant meal or party, at least we were enjoying our time together.

Back home, we had raspberry and tiramisu coffee cake with champagne. Then, we watched tv as the time to open presents were still a long way to go...We were late to open our presents as we were so attached to watching the korean show 'Cool Kidz On The Block'. It was heart-catching as we see them competing hard  to score in their basketball tournament. We opened our presents by the time show ended. And guess what, I had a white flowery skirt, a cool designed black sweater and a simple white pardini blouse. Though I must say, out of the three clothes that I have, I could only wear the skirt...... Boohoo.....

Still, it's ok because it's never too late to start exercising and get myself slim down. On the other hand, my uncle bought me materials for card making and a prayer book for self-empowerment. How cool is that.....Another thing is that my brother had been given a transformer cap and because he doesn't understand what's it for, he just tossed the cap aside and return back to his bed.

Soon, we all went to bed and indeed yesterday night was indeed a blessing to itself as we celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ and may the fruit of the Holy Spirit be among us now and forever.

My Day Before Christmas Eve

Thank you for the time that I shared with Alyssa and her family on this very afternoon. My younger sister and I were invited to their lunch prepared by Alyssa's mum. It was as expected of her mum to cook scrumptious meal; duck meat, curry chicken, chinese meat rolls, chicken nuggets, mixed vegetables and above all the simple yet appetizing chicken rice..

After a handful of that, her mother prepared a desert of chocolate ice-cream for us to eat. Haha....Does it sound like a wonderful meal....Yeah, by the time I finished, I was full and indeed I'm thankful for her mum who is willing to spend her time cooking nice meal for us. I will of course never forget her kindness and I hope that I will be able to be the one to treat her an extravagant meal the next time I start working.

Also, I'm thankful for the time that i spent chatting with my primary school friend, Alyssa and as usual we spent time taking regarding life issues. Having her listening to my problems as well as sharing the stories about people life's struggles has actually woken me up from my slump to actually takes things seriously from now on...

Today, I have renewed my mind once again that it is never to look to change....No matter how much you have cause disappointment to your loved ones, waste a life time opportunity or even committing unforgivable mistakes or habits, as long you have the will and the holy spirit God granted to each and every one of us...then, I can assure you....you are safe.

You are who you are and be happy of who you are....because you're unique in your own way and no one can be exactly the same like you....like fraternal twins who look alike but actually there are still differences between them based what they perceive, their thoughts and their DNA.... Let me confess that I'm not the decent girl as you thought I am.....in fact, I can say that I have wasted 2 years of my life living in sufferings just because of the wrong thoughts I have formed within me. We are actually influenced by our thoughts which leads us to action....

So, pray to the Lord in grace that you may receive understanding and wisdom in life-decision making. There are times when we will be stranded away from our goals due to carelessness and ignorance....However, like I say.. you can stand up again based on your choice and that is the gift that each and every one of us have including you too....

That's all for now and may you sleep well tonite    :)

A wonderful Get Together

Today has been a blessing to itself. Though I was sluggish on my bed this morning and I felt my head was bombarded with all unnecessary thoughts, I found strength to get up and do my daily chores as usual on one simple reason...... CELEBRATING JJ's BIRTHDAY is my ultimate goal for today. Aside that, having to be closer to my best friend than ever is the best thing I can ever ask in my whole life.

And you know what, I manage to do some weeding this afternoon.... There were so many tall grasses that it needs a serious clean-up or else it would have grown taller and interrupt the beauty of a small garden. By the time I was nearly done, it was already 21 minutes pass one. So, there was only about 15 minutes to take my bath. After that, off I go to pick up my best friend and to City One to meet the birthday boy....

Getting to choose present was really enjoyable and worthful. Though I was quite distracted with my mind, I can still feel the excitement to choose the right gift with my best friend.
Then, came the good part where all of us meet up at the main entrance....It's been a while since we meet the last time, and with Christmas around the corner, it was great to have come together and have a nice lunch/dinner at a Japanese restaurant.

Chatting and keep each other entertained was what we do mostly oftime we eat the restaurant. Singing and celebrating JJ'S birthday was indeed fun as we got to tease him in return. Oya, later we headedtowards karaoke where we spend hours singing songs with all our might, heart and voice. Everyone sang well and some sang hilariously but overall, it was fulfilling. Somehow, I felt that we became even closer after we sang together.

So, I hope that we will have another exciting get together the next time we meet, and hopefully is duringthe time of Christmas, so we can celebrate christmas together and make the most out of it to be considered a worthfull event to recall. lastly, having to express my difficulties has allowed to me to feel more closer to my friends as I can share and feel even more closer to them. Well, everyone faces problem anyway.....

THANK YOU and may you have a pleasant day yourself. It's my wish that you would experience the joy as I had for today.    ><

A Great Achievement

I had a hard time waking up today as I wanted to sleep more on my comfortable bed with the cool breeze of the air conditioner touching my cheeks. Thankfully, I forced myself to get up as I know that if I don't, mum would be complaining at the kitchen wondering why kids don't get up on time to do house chores.

First, I ate my bread and had some refreshment on slices of pear peeled by mum. I mopped the floor after my meal and went out to do laundry before the rain started to fall down. After done with that, I proceeded to cleaning my younger sister's piano room as she has not cleared up the stack of documents pilling up in a basket for weeks. Although I was the one cleaning up the mess, in certain way my sis was upset of me disturbing her stuff. I can understand her feelings but at the very least, she should clear up the mess initially before someone else makes the move.

I was quite tired after I have dealt with the paper work but still, there was soup cooking left to do... So, I geared myself and went to chopped carrots and winter melon in the speed of light......(jz joking..but I was in a hurry actually). Unfortunately, I cut my finger due to my carelessness and from that, I received a second scolding from my mum. 

With me having to do so many house chores and finished them by 4.00 pm, I still have to get myself to bath and indeed I'm happy because I've accomplished so much things today. Cleaning, cooking, and dealing with laundries are hard work so I am very contented with my efforts. By the time I've taken my bath, I felt a lot happier and lighter as I am eager to chat with my best friend who just came back from vacation. There so many thoughts in my head that by the time I called her, I couldn't remember what I wanted to say.......Silly ME...But nevermine, I will try to list down my thoughts so that I can have a long chat with her the next time we meet.

Listening to my uncle's testimonial really lifted up my soul as I can feel the guidance of the Holy Spirit running through my veins. It was touching but BOY, I really felt sleepy after that. Knowing I have to iron clothes later, I decided to take a nap of half and hour. While my family were away to shopping mall, I stayed at home looking after my brother while I ironed my clothes....It took me roughly 1 and half hour to get the ironing completed as there were about 1 to 2 days supplies of clothes.

With that, ends another day of today and I hope that tomorrow will be another day where I can accomplish more things with joy and determination. Thank you Lord for the great day and I hope you will continue to guide us every now and then.

Stress!!!

Though I would only be having test 2 on healthcare tomorrow, but I feel like I'm not ready to sit for the test. In fact, I felt indifferent or disinterested in tomorrow' test. I've read four to five times but the information doesn't seem to stay put into the slots of my brain. I wonder if it is something to do with the pills I'm taking or is it because I am not serious enough towards my studies. If the problem was the latter, then I'll be frustrated because what the heck am I doing not taking my studies seriously?

Now, it's 11.18pm so I think I'll head off to bed real soon in 30 minutes time. Before that, I need to revise again so that the information input would be safe in my deposit box....I mean my brain.

p/s: Please pray for me so that I will do just fine for tomorrow....I'm not expecting high score but I wish to be content with my effort for the test.

Unforgettable Day

Yesterday, I went to Spring mall for the first time with my uncle and my younger sister ever since he has returned from England. There, we settled ourselves to have dinner at Kenny Rogers. Thanks to my uncle, we were able to taste the extravagant meal of Western food for the first time. My sister had her heavy meal of a quarter bbq chicken with 3 side dishes consisting of mash potato, aromatic rice and coleslaw. Whereas I myself ordered a light meal of chicken salad as I have taken my meal before hand. On the other hand, my uncle just ordered himself  a glass of strawberry yogurt to relieve his ulcer pain.

With the food being appetizing, we were excited to watch movie as well. I have always thought we would be watching 'Frozen' movie as it is suitable to watch. However, my assumption was wrong as the movie turned out to be The Hunger Games II of catching Fire. It was enjoyable yet somewhere in my heart, I felt disgusted with how humans are able to think and behave evilly in extreme as portrayed in the movie itself.

No popcorn and cola this time so me, my uncle and my younger sister just sat at our allocated seat, staring at the movie screen as it goes from one scene to another. It was 10.30pm by the time movie ended but sadly, we would have to wait for the third part of the movie next year.

The next trip would be window-shopping with my uncle at City one so I'm glad that everything is going smoothly for now and no conflicts so far as like what happened last year. Each of us have our own likes and dislikes, thoughts and perceptions of things around us. Therefore, it is necessary for us to compromise and understand one another to ensure a harmonious and dynamic family relationship.

Will there Ever Be Forever?

Hanging out with friends at shopping mall makes me realize how precious the time we spent together. As I am making my way to be more fond of my friends, I can feel that the friendship between me and her have developed. Is a pity that I couldn't be close enough to a friend who is in different direction path from me.

Is there any way to revert back to how we used to be?  Usually we will hang out, share love stories, play badminton and many more we can do together. Right now, is hard enough to be together knowing that we have different schedules from each other.

However, I just hope by the time we have the time left for just the two of us, let us enjoy each other presence to the fullest. The next time we go for karaoke or walking in the shopping district, I hope there I can talk to you lots more  than I have the other day. Getting to talk to each other regarding life issues makes me happier to be closer to you. There are so many friends out there in the world but nothing can be compared to the friendship I have for you. I may be poetic and love to sweet talk but that's how I feel at the moment.

In the afternoon, I went window shopping with a friend. While looking at christmas decorations, we can feel the spirit of X'mas around us. Many things were on sale so I'm interested at how low can the the price be for nice clothes after super duple discount. Hehehe.....But still, I think I just have to wait a little more for better clothes to choose from...

Once and For all...

For the past few days, I have found my life more lonesome and worthless as I couldn't control my inner desires, rebellious actions and destructive habits. What's more to say I feel extremely lost as I  have lost my scholarships, friends I could have talked with and the freedom I could have lived.

Knowing that friends and family can only provide support superficially as the whole judgement and life depends on my self-decision and choice, I really felt like not living another day...There has been times when I have suicidal thoughts but thanks to my desire to hang out with friends a little more or the responsibility of not letting my parents worry or despair, I restraint myself and gave myself another chance to move forward.

Yesterday as I was strolling in the shopping mall Boulevard, I feel the negativity and disinterested feelings in me. There were so many motivational and spiritual books around but none of them inspired me any longer. I was on the verge to losing hope when I realized that I have got to wake up. Looking around the 'POPULAR' bookstore, I caught a glimpse of a book regarding the power to reinvent yourself and break destructive patterns.

More than anything in the world, I desperately wish to freed myself from the sins and destructive life I living with. I can't handle anymore losses than I have already had. So, this book woken me up from the slump and resurrected and revived me again from my spiritual demise. However, it isn't simple as just believing in God and Jesus Christ and then have my problems being resolved. What needs to be done is that I am to overcome my temptation and sinful thoughts from invading into my life....SATAN has managed to penetrate into my life but I'M NOT GOING TO LET HIM DO THAT EVER AGAIN...

Sure is easy to say that when you're determined but it is so difficult in reality to withstand those destructive patterns. I tend to reason myself regarding my failures and accepted them as an excuse for my being. I can't keep this up any longer, or else my family's and friends' relations will be in jeopardy.

Therefore, this is what the spiritual book  has told me.....the 3 imperative keys to break these destructive habits are to begin with a constant transfer of leadership  to God, by dealing with temptation and lastly with being aware of what we say, feel and do.... What the book has taught me is that our human nature tend to push us to be the leaders of our lives. But with us leading and making our decision, it's inevitable that we will get ourselves fallen into worldly and ungodly things. With that, there will always be a tendency to do the things we want to do. Paul as in the bible admitted 'I decide to do good, but I don't really do it; I decide not to do bad, but then I do it anyway. My decisions , such as they are, don't result in actions. Something has gone wrong deep within me and gets the better of me every time'. What Paul said refers exactly the same to my situation. I wanted the good things in life but I couldn't afford to change my will to do them. It isn't enough just going to churches and reading gospel each day.  What needs to be done is that the constant transfer of leadership by means of letting God be the centre and leader of our life must continue each day until the day I die. 

Even the habit of blogging is difficult as I tend to lose interest and find blogging a hassle....but it is through the spirit of God  in me that I am willing to blog to help those suffering and be of useful motivators to those who are in the same condition as me. Therefore, as long as I seek his will and his leadership each day, I will be moving towards God's best for me.

In the aspect of dealing with temptation, it happens everyday regardless of my whereabouts....Any moment, I would be tempted to indulge myself to food, addiction to social networking  and the desire to slack off. So many of them are trying to tempt me that I would have given myself up to them. Nevertheless, I still have to resist it for it is the only to choice to my freedom. Resist the devil and he will flee from you..(JAMES 4;7). Then next time this similar situation arises, know that God will guide us through the storm and give us the power to overcome them.

To escape the cycle of the destructive patterns, we must also pay attention to what we think, feel and say. All of these are the very main reasons to our well-being. So, for me I need to be aware of my thoughts and be responsible of my behaviour as well as what I say because these are the reflections of what is in my heart. A times, when I feel terrified and anxious, I would cast them away to God for he is capable to turn them into something wonderful and useful to me.

"Cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous fall" (Ps55:2)

Glory to God and forever he with us~

The Best Day Of the Year

I was woken up by the messages ring tone this morning. As I looked through to see who was texting me, I finally realized that I was supposed to celebrate my birthday today. I was so excited when the first thought to my mind was whether there's anyone who would wish me a Happy Birthday...Just a few words of birthday greetings in facebook makes me happy because it is nice to know that we can share good times together.

Going out and having a long conversation with a long time friend while strolling in the shopping mall was fun and pleasant. It is relieving when we can know each other issues and just to be a supporting side to whatever is going on.

For the special gifts you have given me, I'll be sure to keep them safely forever in mind and somewhere that would be clearly visible. Though it wasn't an extravagant birthday event, what matters most is the time we enjoy together and so I hope that we will be able to do the same for the ones we love and care.

The cake that my mum and dad ordered was amazingly beautiful but somehow, it does taste kinda strange...Hehehehe..I'm too happy beyond words so I hope you will have yours too in times to come.

Fruit cake...that what it is. Here is the picture and I must say that this is the best decorated cake.

MY BIRTHDAY CAKE FROM FAMILY

At a distance, this is how it looks like.

Tentative Feelings

I may look bright and cheerful on the outside, but in my heart, lie the feelings of emotional pain, sensitivity and timidity. You must be tired hearing this over and over again but why can't I learn my lesson...I feel like I'm the most rebellious and idiotic among many others.

Let me be renewed and forgive my past sins...I'm sorry for misusing my time and the healthy mind and body that you have blessed me with. Allow me to make changes to myself and I hope I will be a great follower of your kingdom.

To those reading my blog, I'm sorry if I have deceived you. I told you I would change for the better but since to me that I have not made any...It's difficult when I have to give up the fun and the things I wish to do. However, I would still prefer the peace and healthy living of my life instead of fulfilling my worldly desire.

There're plenty of things I wish to do....Read the gospel of God and immersed myself in the beauty of the world God has created. I would to also establish myself securely as a bright and outstanding student of my college. Whatever I did in the past, let me go quietly and I hope I can replace and compensate with the efforts of the presence. 

Making a scrap book, playing piano, learning Mandarin and Korean ( my priority is still English though), working a part time job and acquiring world knowledge; health, sciences, IT, environment, business, arts, humanity and many more that connects everything to the universe. I'm still here so I hope I would be set free from my suffering and I hope that I would be given another chance to pursue my dream. Please strengthen me so that I will not take my life for granted.

BE POSITIVE!!! I CAN DO IT!! YOU CAN DO IT!!!   :)

A Sorrowful Predicament

Which path should I take? Will I be able to achieve my dream of studying medicine in the future....What have I done to myself? 

There's no way out now. Gotta take the safer path first before venturing into the hopes of my dream. Maybe I should try physiotherapy first and let myself to enjoy whatever there is with me at the moment. Be with me at the same time....I'm lonely.

Strengthen me and I thank you Lord for bearing me with me until  now. I love you and I wish to love more for it is the gift that you have bestowed upon me. I wish for the happiness of my friends, family and those who I have met along the journey.

Will I be able to go through another day, I wonder. Hear me out and free me from the bondage of sadness and loss of direction. Amen.

Thoughts of the Day

You create the chance, so don't be dismay with mistakes but give yourself another chance to correct them.

Studies isn't everything but it is one of the important things in everything.

Look up and all will be fine as long as you're still here to do wonders.

In little things we do, there's happiness and sparks of achievement.

Love everything,eg. family, parents, friends, representatives, knowledge  even your enemies and all will flow smoothly.

Do not ruminate over problems but let each problem be the source of improvement and change to a better person.

Among all, love and worship God. He is everything above everything.

Positive RULES....and negatives rekindles for us to notice what's needed to be change.

An Incredible and Splendid Day Indeed......

It's a surprise to have my birthday celebrated with my close friends. What's more is that I'm so touched by how people would set up such a lovely plan to celebrate and have fun with their beloved ones. To be honest, I never did thought that I would be having a small advanced birthday celebration with friends after a while...

At first, I thought that I was to hang out with my friend's elder sister whom has certain issues to discuss about. It turns out that I was mistaken as she was just going accordingly to the plan of bringing me along to the restaurant in the vicinity of a shopping mall. I was already at my seat comfortably when another friend of mine approached me from behind and led me to where we are suppose to be sitting.

Feeling puzzled, I just follow the flow when I was bewildered to see a round chocolate cake decorated with fruits and  chocolates chips on the cake itself. Never would I have thought this has been set up in the first place. I was also shocked to have met with another close of mine whom I have thought to be in Kedah studying medicine.

Enough of having personal problems and upsetting news to deal with, I'm utterly grateful for these lovely friends who has taken the initiative to celebrate birthday with me. I'm writing this down as a momento for me to recall back during difficult times, turning them into a source of hope and joy for my disturbed heart.

Thank you Vong and her family for the effort of sending me to and fro while coming back all the way from Penang just to have my birthday celebrated with a surprise attack. Thank you Siti for the love you have for this friendship we share. I'm most exhilarated to have you celebrating my birthday and the efforts that you have pour your heart out. My gratitude I bid to my ' egg tart' for having to plan this wonderful event with my friends. Lastly, to all those who are involved in this arrangement, please keep in mind that I'm extremely delightful with today's experience and never would I forget this unique day as long as it is displayed in this blog.

And here is how the birthday celebration was like and I hope that I can return the favour as well in times to come. Thank you and may God continue to bless you all.

My  Charming Cake

Fish and chips for Three

My Surprise Birthday Party 2013 

Hmmm....hmm...(scratching my head). The only problem now is how the heck am I to verticalize the photos since I took them horizontally.. Sorry about that......hehe..I gotta find some way to fix them up.   :)

Irregular Consistency - A Knack to Overcome

Wouldn't it be wonderful if we are able to maintain our mood to do beneficial and useful activities? Though I'm partially well myself but there are still so many rooms that need to be improved  in terms of my attitude and thinking. There are times I wonder why it is difficult to stimulate ourselves to do what's good for us, eg. studying, leisure reading, helping out with house chores, self relaxation and meditation. All of these are practical yet we are so DAMN lazy that we will only do these when necessary. 

Some say they do mental exercising by sleeping or some may even say ' I will do it later when I have the mood'. Honestly, with that kind of attitude, it is difficult for us to achieve the hopes and our dreams. Why must we be stress to carry them out at crucial times?Why not start making slight changes in defeating our lazy nature to ensure a comfortable living with the people around you and your life? Life would have changed gradually if only we take the initiative to do so.

To tell you the truth, it is difficult for me to maintain the consistency of blogging too because I sometimes feel unenergetic and somehow I am losing the urge to blog since I'm less depressed now. However, knowing that blogging can provide comfort and relief to people makes me gear up to write more. If I feel reluctant to blog, this reason is enough to push me to write more.

 Let me challenge you to do meditation or even a short prayer of dedication to God every morning and night before you sleep. You might think is pointless and wonder how it benefits you but  let me seriously convince you that it will to make your life more meaningful and enjoyable to live. A prayer of gratitude and exercise of positive thoughts everyday for 5 to 10 minutes at least would renew your thoughts and guide you to a higher quality of living.

With me challenging you here allows me to challenge myself . As a matter of fact, I will work hard to improve the areas I'm weak at so that all of us can benefit from it. From sharing and helping each other out, we will be able to feel up the missing gaps between us and make our ambitious dreams more possible to achieve. It is through team work that we all can perform to the best of our ability.

Secret Revealed

No wonder I couldn't recover and no wonder my illness gotten worse. I was the victim of my fear and doubts but what makes it worse is that I give in to myself willingly. I wish to be a friend of good influence and yet I have trouble handling myself. What's making me angrier and more shameful than ever now is that I have hurt their feelings and disappointed  my beloved ones due to my thoughtlessness and negligence toward reality.

Couple of months ago, I rested myself at home but I never did attempt to improve. I wanted the negatives in me and this is how my illness gotten worse. Laziness, submission to temptation, worthlessness, wanting easy way out were there  making me susceptible to their attacks. I received many counselling sections with my parents' earning income thinking that they might help me to cure my problem. However, I have come to my sense now that I will NEVER recover unless I have the will to do so.

Running away from reality seems to be the easiest road to take but the outcome won't be pleasing. Knowing that, I stubbornly did not want  to accept the truth and this is what has become of me....a failure and a worrier....If I'm not taking this time seriously for real, there wouldn't be any future no matter how much opportunities are there waiting for me..

I have taken things seriously but it isn't consistent. I wonder why and which part of me has already been loosen up....Gotta get a screw and tighten it.

THIS TIME I WILL GET SERIOUS AGAIN....I'm 20 now and I have wasted my golden time in the past two years. I'M NOT GOING TO BACK OFF now and I just want to clear myself from miseries. If I do happen to slip away by accident, please help me up so that I wouldn't go back to the wrong direction in life. I may be a bad influence to you now but I hope dearly that you will just be there to advise me whenever needed. I don't care if you wish to scold me as long as I realize what I have done to myself.

Above all things, let me make a serious commitment here that I am going to fight all that I have from now onward at this very second.....Now, the clock is ticking and here I am attempting to do what is right and justice in the eyes of the Lord and my family. In humble faith I pray, let me be strong and release me from evil.
Remember, Love and Compassion! These values are the ones that keeps us going and what I wrote before are useful as life lessons.

You too..u gotta work hard and be an inspiration for me to follow your lead as well. Not exactly everything but at  least we have several mutual life principles that we can follow.

My Pledge and Commitment to God and You

Till now, I have only mentioned that I suffer from depression but to be honest, there were times when I might not recover as my illness exacerbated. I've been diagnosed differently several times and I do have taken pills other than depression ones. I have not told you denser than this because I found that it wasn't the right time to tell you.

But, now as I have nearly recovered to the fullest, I would like to make several promises and commitments to God and you so that I would not go astray like how I used to. I was a whiner and a cry baby because all I ever knew was to study and what else? Now, I see lights from every side of me and that new vision and mission are there for me to fulfill them. The experience of psychological problem gave me new perspectives of how I perceive  the world before and after I recover. 

Back then when I was severely ill, life seems hopeless and difficult to move on. There are times when I wish I had not been born because the world's vibe seems insurmountable for me to handle. However, thanks to my supportive family, understanding counselors and great faithful friends, I can see the bright side of my recovery. I wish to at least to contribute what I know and experience so that I will be able to somewhat provide comfort and relieve to those who are suffering. 

I may be behind everyone else in terms of education status and social exposure but I will not be discouraged by my condition. Life is so much more when we can do anything only if you are willing. So, where does the will come from? For me, if it hadn't be for my family and friends and not forgetting God, where would I stand now? All these positive energy comes from our inner strength that can be developed as long we have passion for people and the world we live. Who cares how the world has turned out to be, for better or worse..? What's imperative is that you're still here to make tiny significant changes to your surroundings. Aren't I right? Take some time to think about it, and I'm sure we have a lot of opinions to say.

Though I have matured in certain ways, I am still timid in many aspects so there are more to be improved on. These will not happen within a few days but a life long journey of change. The world might not be pleasant realistically but never must we submit ourselves to the depth of the harsh reality.

Thus, I will continue to help and take good care of myself so that I can learn more about the world and what I can do for the people I love. Anyone out there reading this, let me tell you I deeply care for you and so does God. I would also want to see how I can make my life more meaningful from here onwards.....

A Short Lively Chat with You

Many things happen today but I found myself thoughtless as I am blogging.

Wait, arr...Give me a moment....

I did well for my short test this time and guess what, the lecturer who is currently teaching me Introduction to Healthcare gave me 3 Mentos sweets as reward. Just receiving the sweets from lecturer really touches me because I would never have thought that lecturers would be nice when I was only joking about the reward.

I came to love blogging now because I can feel the positive energy circulating in me while I am trying to recall the happy moments of my life. There were many problems I have to deal with but all ends well for now. So, if you do happen to have a little bit of time watching TV or wiggling your legs, why not try writing  good things that occur in everyday life. Listing down a few good memories down would actually help one to appreciate the time and everything that is in connection with him or her. Helping out a friend buying groceries or even having a light chat with lecturers can be some of the examples of good things in life. Though they are just morally decent deeds and short moments, but it is how these tiny treasures shape our life.

Let's switch other topics.....

One thing I realized is that I have difficulty in expressing myself more detail than usual because there seems to be nothing to write about at first. But as I am writing down the situation I'm facing, my mind tells me that I have a choice to write whatever seems interesting or important to me. Though I must say that life at home has turned into a little mess as I am having a hard time with my family. Dealing with family members becomes more insurmountable to take when you realize that it is hard to change someone. The only choice we have is to change ourselves so that we can be of a role model for them to follow.

About you, take the time to really enjoy yourself and indulge yourself in activities that allows your personal growth to expand. Spending some time reading unrelated topics to the one you are focusing now will help you to widen up your horizon as well as diverting your mind from the stress of having to deal with it everyday. With that, I'm sure you can carry out the task delightfully with your rambling emotions quiet down and still.....

I think that's all for now and I can't wait to tell you more about my journey whenever feasible...

A Utter Disgrace To God and My Loved Ones

It's shocking to have me blogging almost every single now and then. But I will assure you that after these days of several confessions to make, there will probably be brighter and more positive blogs you would read. However, if you ever feel the need to do have a break from reading my essays, then please do not hesitate to do so...I am glad that you are taking well of yourself so that you can continue to care those you love.

While I was having my nap, I had a problem adjusting myself to sleep comfortably. And....as I was trying to think what was going on in me, I suddenly felt a lot huge of guilt pilling up like stacks of textbooks arranged on a table.  I shouldn't have be stubborn in the first place. Due to my stubbornness and my rigidity to positive changes, I have lost many great opportunities that the Lord has in line for me. I could have continued my scholarship to become a great medical doctor or even enroll myself in a prestigious public university if I was ill then. See what has now become of me ....a student from Foundation in Medical Studies has now taken the path to Diploma in Physiotherapy...

I'm not looking down in Diploma or maybe I do but it is just the feeling of worthlessness  for not being able to use my abilities and the two years in depression to the fullest. I could have try my best to do what's necessary but I tend to do my own reasoning for my failures and neglecting my parents' advises. So, friends and those reading this....continue to love yourself and the time you have on this mother earth. Again, i would reiterate that it is a blessing to be here as many beautiful things will we experienced after going through hardships.

To you my Lord, I'm sorry for the serious rebellious thoughts and  horrendous sinful desires that I've craved during those period of time. There are times when I shouldn't have done what I should do....But it is too late for the rice has turned into porridge. Mum and dad....I love you and I'm sorry for my past misconducts and I would like to turn over a new leaf to be a daughter  pleasing to you. Friends and especially buddies....I thank you for you have never leave me upset whenever I am in dismay.....Having you guys listening to my worries and nagging about this and that really relieves me from misery and allow me to move forward at the very least. Without you, where would I be today?

By combining everything I've said from back then till now, I will want to live my third renewed life as a friend and a person worthy to be by your side. You can count on me and let us take the challenge of the world together.

Mission Accomplished.

I had a short test a couple of hours ago and to my delight, I believe I'm going to score well for this quiz. What's intriguing is that when you study days before the exam, the knowledge and facts that we revise tend to float away in an instance after revising. I was only able to revise one hour before the test starts as I was stressed out from not remembering much in my head.

Thank goodness I can perform my test myself because the test is suppose to be a trial for testing our understanding towards the subject. If I had not prepare for the occasion and had relied on my friends' answer( which I couldn't anyway) then, it would defeat its purpose of setting up the test in the first place, aren't I right?

Well, another exciting matter is that Christmas is just one month away from now and so I will be eagerly waiting for the celebration itself where there would be presents under the Christmas tree, decoration of X'mas ornaments and singing carols as well. Yeah... But never can we forget the true intention of celebrating Christmas as we are here to celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ, who has saved us through salvation and deliverance from the hold of the evil one.

Before that happens, there will be several quizzes around and I have to be sure that I can prove myself able to cope myself in my studies for the preparation of the next semester. Cheese!!!

An Odd Bewilderment

Sometimes, I find it strange that I would turn rebellious when I am recovering day by day, bit by bit from depression. I would find myself slacking off and wanting to escape work if I hadn't prepare my heart to do it. There are times when I would pretend to sleep whenever my mum walks into the room for I am not in a slightest interested of doing house chores....Hope mum never find out about this.

However, as I am writing this down, i feel the sense of my thoughts being able to flow more smoothly than how I used to face during periods of anxiety and depressive mode. At least now, I am able to rationalize properly and not react impulsively on my emotions and bad experiences of the past. So, I am in fact thankful to be able to stay alive knowing that I would be able to be a proper human being helping out those who are in trouble and having fun interacting in social activities.

I came to realize that study isn't about everything but it is just one of the better alternatives that offer greater opportunity and outcomes. Even if I am unable to study, I am still able to move on getting myself a job and achieve many years of working experiences. What matters the most isn't about your intelligence but it is more to the attitude we have towards the things we do and feel daily. As long as we know what important aspects we are prioritizing, then it makes it a lot easier to have our life going and goals achieved.

Tomorrow, I'll be having a small test on the Introduction to Healthcare and for that it does matter to me in a way because I'm not confident with my dedication, seriousness as well as my memory capacity to score well in my quiz. To cool myself down, I think I juz go and take a good NICE....nap of 1 to 2 hrs, I suppose. Hehe><

Did you see the change in my mood...Really am grateful that I am able to feel and joke around more naturally as I have much of my inner conflicts resolved. There's still a lot more but I think I can rest assured that everything will be just fine as long I put my trust in the Lord and continue to love and cherish myself. With that, I am more determined now to dispose myself from negative behaviours such as laziness, lack of self-esteem and unnecessary worries.  

Yes, I'm off to take a nap now so I'll chat more whenever I have the time and the desire to tell you about how I have been doing. 

Ps. I found it fascinating that I am able to talk more with me blogging than having to reserve the topics for the next time we meet. Probably because I couldn't remember them anyway and also I realized that the time we spent together is short.....So, got to use time wisely...

A transformation from My Old Self To A New Me

To be here today has been a blessing itself for I can live my life more cheerfully than I used to. I'm sure those who experience the same thing would comprehend how it feels like to be released from a sensation of a dungeon. When you're in depression, the only feelings that you sense are insecurity, lack of motivation to move on, and the negative outlook of situation. There is more to it than just that, but I would not elaborate further unless you are keen to know more...

With friends and family by my side, I feel that there's really something special in our relationship. The experience of  meeting you for the first time and being friends for so long is not just a mere coincidence but a precious connection that we have that forms how we live till now. With my family at my side, I am honored to have survived the hard journey and made it to the moment where I know i can contribute more than I possibly have imagined. 

To you my uncle, I thank you for the support that you provide through this time, There were disagreeable  moments but I am grateful for the continuous effort and love you have shown to me and my family. Thanks for the time we spent together every year end on Christmas because that is the time when we spend our special moments together. As such, I will hold deeply in my memories so that I can think upon the good times whenever I'm upset.

For now, I realize the importance of now and the time that we have as we live at the moment, let us cherish the time that we have with beneficial and useful activities so that the life of us and the people around can be made better. To accentuate the positive and diminish the negative is our main goal in life. Therefore, to live my life and made up for all the troubles and hassles I've caused during these times, allow me to change from within into someone who can be relied on. I come to an understanding now that worldly things cannot satisfies our soul but it is those free things that we normally take for granted; eg. air, water, friendship, abilities, knowledge, resources, experiences, God's love and passion towards the world. All of these makes a person a whole and be delivered from evil influences. 

With this much life lessons  that I have thought of is not a just a thing that happens within a day or two nor even weeks. It is how i perceived and gained after 2 years of depression. Not easy but worth to be alive.

At this time, I would like to make good changes from how I used to live. With being silent and quiet during hard times, I would prefer to express my difficulties and gain what I can learn from people. This is how we survive through tough times  and this is how we live till today.

Right here, right now...I've decided to stop myself from watching anime and manga because I found out that watching life experiences would teach us more on how to deal with current life issues. It is undeniably true that anime and manga can be a source of relief and laughter but they do not hold the absolute solution to our daily struggles. What we need to do is to learn how to live a  quality way of life and this can only be achieved through real life experiences  and the support we gain from our surroundings. 

As such, I would remind myself to be more realistic regarding the world we inhabit  and be a lot more passionate to the people around me for this is how our life suppose to be. With my final saying on this, hope you will have a good rest and may you have a life more meaningful after reading this...

                              

The Happiest Time Of Now

I would gladly say that I have recovered 80% from depression. It's been a while since I felt this happy after long years of suffering from depression and obsessive thoughts. Of course, this doesn't mean I don't have it anymore but it is just more of a saying that I have the will to live my life for the better. There are good times and so does the other....but at least I can say this much to myself that I can live my life normally now.

Guess what, I'm really glad that I chose this college. Not only is it near my home, but it is actually a starting line for me to get up from square one. And even, if I were to get ill again in the future, I can relax that I am close to my family to look after me. My experience studying in Foundation in Medical Studies wasn't pleasant but I hold it to myself as something valuable....as it has taught me the value of family and the life challenges that we need to overcome.

After 3 long years of depression, have I now become someone who is aspired to help the people around suffering the same situation as me. One thing I noticed that people who are mentally ill tend to suffer a lot more and had it rough going through the day. So, to those who actually recover( I won't say completely because there is no such thing as 100%), thumbs up for you have made this far. Let this experience teach you and instill the feelings of compassion towards others and also awareness to the problems faced by society daily.

To you my friend, life isn't easy and I must say that I have a long way to go...But, like what you say as well, life can be beautiful as well. Each day has been a blessing thinking that I may be able to spend enjoyable time with you once you are back. At times, I would also imagine us having fun doing the things we love....eg, window shopping, badminton playing, barbecue-ing, and eating out together...Just imagine all the fun we could have together. 

So, I'm glad that I will be able to spend my Birthday soon with a peaceful and happy mind. Being ill for a while and not having to enjoy my time fully really gets me into thinking how it would turn out this year end with my birthday and christmas day going on.... Can't wait for it, hehe....   ><

The Dark Silhouette Behind Me

Here I am today to declare the unforgivable sins that I've committed in the past till now. My sins may be relatively small because it doesn't involve anyone getting hurt or the illegal things that I shouldn't have engaged in but somehow, the wrongdoings are still part of my misbehavior that I've portrayed.

There are times when I've lost my sense of purpose in life as I wondered in mind whether God is there with me or not. You may think that it is not much of concern to think about it but I myself have carried it within my soul till I'm nearly drop dead. I believe in God if I'm well and if I don't, then I don't believe....SO what's  the point in believing in the first place as long as it satisfies your need? 

Several times I have given up and gone astray as I start to see life pointless to me. I've tried my best to improve but then I would give up easily after a few days of hard work restraining myself from misbehaving. It seems to me that at times living your life recklessly like watching anime or manga 24/7 is enjoyable. And this is where I got addicted. With the bad thoughts in me as well as the temptations that I've have to handle with, I might as well commit them so that it will go away and my fleshly desire be fulfilled. Nevertheless, I would be extremely regretful and deep in thoughts as I began to struggle with my conscience telling me that it isn't right to be doing them.

Also, there are times when I'm reluctant to help my mum and dad out. Whenever they asked for my help, I can feel the raging hormone within me as I grew impatience with my lifestyle and how I wanted everything to go my way forever. I wanted to do things that I enjoy without them interfering. When I have a nap of 2 hours or so, I tend to wake up way after the time limit. I would be slouching on my bed wanting to continuing sleeping at the same time, the other half of me telling not to do it. However, I must admit that there has plenty of times that I sleep way too much on purpose.

Due to the fact that I can't deal with my emotions, I tend to get mixed up and tangled along with them. I may have committed the mistakes several times or more but why have I never learn a lesson from them? Why am I still here suffering needlessly when I should have grab hold and say sternly to myself that THIS IS ENOUGH.... Don't go there or else you know what will happen.....

So, here it is.....I'm a special girl that has been gifted with talents the very first day I was born onto this earth. You are who God has loved. Lay upon his shoulder and pass the burden to him and he will give you rest

Friends are there and many more beautiful things on earth waiting for me....so Stay Strong, my child..

This is what I would visualize from what God or a comforter would tell me.

Harder and harder Our Life Shall Be

Again, I'm here today to write the matter concerning our future in years to come. As we see from daily news and statistics shown online, we can be sure that our life would no longer be the same as it used to be. The competition among the people in employments, studies, businesses, and other life-related areas are getting tougher and intense out there. People's lifestyle changes in respect to the trend of clothes, music, entertainment and culture. So, knowing that changes occur continuously wherever we are and whichever period we are in, there can be no guarantee of how our life shall be.

If that's the case, why on earth would we need to compete with one another? Yes, each of us would need to strive hard for the strong and outstanding ones will win the race. But do you realize how we have lived our life if we all aim to be better than one another? Wouldn't it be a better choice for us to enjoy whatever provisions we are provided with and use whatever resources we have to the best of our ability. Also, wouldn't it be wise to study for the sake of wanting to learn than viewing education as a way to richness?

With people racing among themselves, there would be a cycle of negative feelings such as jealousy, pride, arrogance, overly materialistic and etc, wouldn't they? Then, why bother to make life miserable when we can actually do lots of good deeds with the knowledge we have gained through life experiences for the betterment of the society. The number of students studying in professional courses have increased drastically that the job demands and opportunities available are insufficient to cater for the increasing number of graduates. Doctors, nurses, pharmacist, accountants, businessmen, engineers, musicians and other occupations have now exceeded the standard demand as the population of students graduating from all different kinds of high institutions have now slowly reach its' threshold.. 

In regards to this, let me advise you that we should just be grateful with whatever status and condition we are in and it is of our responsibility to shape our life accordingly to what is pleasing and right. Let us cherish the opportunity of receiving a tertiary education and the life that we live with friends, pals, buddies and families to the fullest. Every minute counts as we are together with the ones we care and love. 

Everything has a beginning and so does the ending itself. Similarly, it applies to the fact that there will be times of overwhelming hardships and times of peaceful development. What's critical is that we must learn how to react appropriately to the situation and use them to our advantage. Everything we do and feel all requires a level of moderation; no more or no less. And thus, this would need some period of training to maintain at a balanced level.

I've failed miserably in my adjustment attempts and thus, I'm not mentally strong myself. Realizing my condition allows me to make a rational choice of how I want my life to be. For me to actually compete in the midst of the fast-pacing world is insurmountable for me to handle at the current situation. When I have the guts to live my life fearlessly, I would really love to contribute my energy and my talents I possessed for the benefits of mankind and the mother nature that we live in.

My Genuine Gratitude to Family and Friends

It's been a pleasant yet tough day for me today....When I was in college this morning, I was still in the fierce battle with my thoughts. Worrisome thoughts were right there waiting eagerly to pounce on me any moment but at the same time, I felt a huge relief when I noticed that I was able to deal with it with good and positive mindset. It's been a while since I felt such relief as I've been trying hard to overcome my weaknesses.

 I've discovered a lot of great potentials and abilities to be uncovered and polished up when I was having my classes on Introduction to Healthcare. Though I couldn't grasp what my lecturer was teaching as my mind wandered off to the word printings of the handouts, I was at least aware of the topic we are focusing on back then. 

It's a blessing to have a college near my home where I can always walk to and from the college without having to concern about the availability of transportation. Aside from that, I can even help out my mum and dad with house chores on a daily basis. However, there were times when I thought if only I could return back to study medicine again. I feel that there is a lot more to it than me just studying diploma in Physiotherapy as I feel insecure regarding the job opportunities of a physiotherapy in store for me in the future.

But then, when I think again rationally...it was indeed a right decision not able to pursue my dream in medicine for I was not up to it at that time. I've fallen into depression twice and so, it was the only choice I have to ensure speedy recovery. Besides, I have come to understanding that a person well-being need not necessarily be depended on the high-paid careers but it is towards the fun and enjoyment we received from doing what we love.

Therefore, I am extremely grateful to my parents for they have never failed to shower me much parental love similar to the love that I felt from my heavenly Father. At times, when I committed several unforgivable mistakes, I'm at ease knowing  that God still loves me just as much as my parents do and never will he forsake me when I'm alone. My gratitude I would like to bid to my parents for they have always tolerated my crybaby personality and giving me a life of purposeful meaning whenever I'm down. 

To my uncle in England, I thank you for the financial backup you have provided me with. Because if it weren't for you, I wouldn't be near where I am now studying in a health-allied college for a try out. It has been a wonderful experience for me to be with friends and still able to study despite my condition. With all my heart, I promise that I will achieve my goals in life and appear as a successful person in the future.

Not forgetting my friends who's actually been there for me to listen and hang out with me whenever I felt sad. I appreciate the friendship we have developed together and never will I lose nor forget this relationship we share together. 

I still have several inner conflicts and fear to deal with but I must say that today has been comparatively better than yesterday or the day before yesterday. So, I hope it would be another pleasant one tomorrow and also the days to come for I eagerly want to celebrate with friends and relatives returning home for X'mas.

Distress in Miseries

There are times when I felt the loneliness in me eventhough people were around me....Probably, it is because I couldn't find someone who I can rely on and trust at that moment. So right here, right now...I want to cast away all my thoughts and worries onto this piece of the day.

First and foremost I'm extremely ashamed of myself today because I have been thinking of evil stuff....I mean EVIL.. I've been wondering to myself how do I ended up being ill while the others are managing their life pretty much the same....Why do I have the constant feeling of failure in me? What I want is to actually feel the joy of receiving this second chance of education. And you know what, I've been having this big ego in me about my cleverness in class because it seems to be I'm the only smart one there....And while I'm this arrogant, I feel the insecurity in me of failing and not performing well in coming exam. Well, I think it is because of the wrong decision I've made and the feeling of failure in committing to life seriously.

I wanted to help friend badly but at times when I'm offering my help, my mind would be thinking'' are you sure you want to continue helping people while I can't even manage myself?''. So, I ended up pausing myself for a while and then thinking again, helping probably is still the best thing to do at that moment.

I've caused enough pain to my family and rebelliously went against God's will more than I could count. I could have achieved more than I could possibly imagined if only I know what is right to do....But there are times that i couldn't do the right thing because of other factors contributing to it...I get extremely worried and I will think what would happen if I look at the world all in the negative perspective and what if there is very little chance of recovery to my normal self.

I hate it but let me tell you honestly, I was happy for malingering and being useless towards my family a few hours ago... Now, I felt extremely disgusted with the way I behaved that I don't think that this is who I am. Am I the person who actually offer advice and hopes to those who are in despair when I'm so stupid thinking of selfish demands and looking at the world so miserably.

HATE IT! HATE IT! HATE IT!!!

No worries....I have not damage my laptop's keypads yet while I was typing loudly and giving each key a big thump.  That's all...glad you are reading it while I'm this wretched but probably when I read it later, I will be wondering 'what the heck am I writing about myself'....    :(

My Roaming Thoughts

As tomorrow would be another first day of the week to have class, I buckled myself up to do some self revision for my first subject of this mini-sem''Introduction to Healthcare''. (Feels more like Introduction to Physiotherapy'' to me.....

Never would I know how difficult it is to do self-studying after one long year of rest. While I was reading through my notes, I find it hard to maintain my concentration and to read the words across smoothly. My mind tend to wander off and think of my life issues. However, it isn't like as if I hadn't read lines or sentences before but probably because this is the subject in which I needed to pay attention with. Honestly speaking, I am grateful enough that I manage to read through Unit 1&2 as well as reading external resources for additional references.

Now, it's already 10.25pm so I just want to gathered my thoughts into this small diary of mine. To be honest, I am worried whether I can make this through with my studies and my endless thoughts. Yesterday, I was for certain that I had nearly reached to the maximum potential stage of recovery but by the time the morning arrived, the problems were still swirling in my head unfiltered. 

I'm just glad that everything is ok for now eventhough things didn't turn out what I wanted. But if they did, I wouldn't be happy anyway. I am going to have Eng class tomorrow and I looked forward for my lecturer to give us assignments on language learning exercises. Who would have thought that I would be anticipating for homework to do? If my assignment workload were to increase next year, I would be in a lot of trouble dealing with the time schedules and studies organised.

Just to let you know, my class consists only of 4 students inclusive of me so it is indeed a very small group. But, wait till next year when there will be a big intake for students coming in for the first sem. By then, I would be entering my first sem as well.

Before I take my leave, I just want to apologize to u, Lord for my stubbornness and excessive worrying of my troubles. There are at times where I would be route less whether God exists or not....The same issue over and over again.----------------   :(

So now, let me come to a close that though today has been tough but at least it is coming to an end and the new beginning will be there waiting for me to encounter tomorrow.....

                         

May You Rest In Peace

This couple of weeks has been  a very pleasant journey with the birds being near our home. The family has blossomed as the mother gave birth to 2 new born birdies... Each time I took a look at them, I would be thrilled when the birdies popped out their head from the small hole of the nest asking for food.... The mother of course wasn't there with them as she searched for worms as the source of food for these two cutey pies....

However, there was just one day when the mother was gone in search of food that a black neighbouring stray cat passed by our garage. The cat was at once attracted to the sound of the baby birds chirping and so, without any hesitation, she quietly crept towards their nest and  BANG!! The damage cannot be undone as the coil surrounding the plant was bent and crashed followed by the nest being torn to pieces.

By the time my mother came to the rescue as she heard the sound from the living room, it was too late. One of the bird has actually been killed while the other survived. Left with only one survivor, my mum hurriedly scrammed the cat away with the water hose. I returned being shocked of the news but was glad that one tiny bird survived and so I made her a comfortable temporary nest for her.

Unfortunately, it didn't go well as I expected. I was at the kitchen anticipating for her mother to fetch her only survivor and because of my curiosity, I might have taken the life of a bird away by accident. I opened the door to the garage when the mother bird was surprised by my presence at which she might have dropped her one and only baby..... When I picked up the baby bird from the floor, it was to no avail that the bird was dead as it had sprained its back or the head receiving a thump onto the ground. 

I have no other choice, feeling disbelief of what had actually happened. But, my mum told me that it is best to bury them in the ground for the mother's sake.... As we were digging up a small hole of the ground to place the deceased, I was sad to see that the mother had to see their child being dead and buried on the very same day it happened. Left with nothing more we can do, my mum finally placed a cross where the baby birds were buried...If only I hadn't gone out there, then a life would have been spared.

Sometimes life is just like that, there are certain unexpected things that we can't predict in life and this is what the birds have taught me..... We might be enjoying today  but what comes next is really unpredictable and ambiguous. So, I pray that the birds will  rest in peace and I thanked them for the wonderful moments we had shared together.....

Overcomer, a Tedious Thing to do...

This has been my 3rd of college class, so everything so far has gotten smoothly except myself. The classes are just fine with the minimum of students for this intake though I wish the lecturers can be more of a quality one. From my perspective, I feel that the lecturers should have met the minimum standards as I feel unchallenged by the topics being taught. This isn't my ego but those who really study in life would understand how it feels.

One good thing for this mini sem is that I can have enough time to cope with my personal problems. I have many doubts to deal with especially when I'm not that confident about my performance. There are times when I couldn't let go of the habit of attaching myself with negative thoughts...Eg. I've been suffering all this while and to tell me to let go of it, I might as well stick to the cause of my suffering. I do not have the confidence that I can deal with myself and the situation around me. I would also questioned regarding God's existence and whether he is there by myself or not. But, now as I am writing this down, I realized I ought not to waste the time that God has given me instead of thinking of these unnecessary thoughts.

For every single thing that must be done, I will always have the resistance in me. I will  experience trouble in rationalizing myself because I just couldn't let go of the 'possibility of failing' thoughts in me.

I've experience so many unnecessary troubles because of my sensitivity towards failure and low self-esteem. It is difficult to control my feelings when there is certain period of uncertainty, worry, egoness and happiness. Probably the reason for my slow recovery is still due to my inability to maintain an emotional equilibrium within myself. So, I have lots of work to be done. May God continue to protect me and I hope he will forgive me for my sinful actions. Through my faults, thru my faults, I earnestly pray for his forgiveness and deliverance from the evil one.

Missing You Dearly

Dear The Wind Beneath My Wings,

It's been a while, I guess. I really do miss you here a lot. Knowing you have to deal with tight schedules and crazy exams, I can understand how little time you have to enjoy yourself. Honestly speaking , there are certain issues and stories that I really want to share with you because I know that you are a friend worth telling to. 

How's everything there? I hope you have a pleasant uni life experience with your friends and lectures. Hahaha....... I can probably guess your answer....most likely an 'ok' response. Actually, I feel is  a pity that I don't get to know more about the course Pharmacy you are taking. Probably if I knew, I would understand and know you a lot more. People change through life experiences and so does the two of  us. Just wanna tell you that though friends are far apart and all of us are walking separate ways, there will be a time when we meet again at a junction. 

Cracking jokes and laughter together sure make our life much more interesting than expected. But my actual intention for this post is generally to share with you the whole detail about my life right now but I feel that it is inappropriate to do so at the time being. So, I'll just be telling you that I am taking a step into Diploma in Physiotherapy at the college near my house. Thanks to my parents ' support, I'm doing the best I can at the moment. Unexpected of me, right? I'm even wearing the uniform similar to the attire wore by the nurses...

Will tell you more when you come back at the end of Nov... Till then, continue to show great support simply by just reading my blog. May God bless you with good health and strength to go through this pathway you've chosen. 

Great love from your dearest friend, 

ANGELICA ROMANTICA....     

Positive Perspective of Life

For these couples of days I'm away from my blog, I tend to sleep  a lot....But now, as I feel energize and revitalized, I wanna list down as much positive thoughts that are in my head so as to become a source of encouragement when I am down.
You may use and assimilate in your life for it gives me great courage that my words can be a source of comfort during your tough times.

• All things that happen in life with or without our concern actually plays an important role in shaping our personalities. When good things happen, we feel motivated to do our best while bad events that occur will teach us a valuable lessons behind the mistake and wrongdoings we have committed.
• Among all values, Love is the greatest of them all. My reason is that Love will sustain us to move forward and persevere even when the things we do seem difficult. It is through the feelings of 'Love' that we learn how to value knowledge, friendship, relationship, nature and challenges in life..
• When friends seem far away, it is through this process we learn how to differentiate true friends from juz buddies and treasure them more.
• Having to do most of the house chores or  being the eldest in the family train us how to be more independent, capable and responsible with the way we live. It is up to our decision that we direct the way we live and appreciate whatever there is to offer.
• Having our desires unfulfilled reminds us of how imperative resources such as  food; water and electric supply; nature; money; friendship; people and knowledge are in helping us experiencing our daily life.
• It is not about your wealthiness and excellence performance or how outstanding you are in society, but it is how you use your skills and potentials to improve the quality way of life.
• The greatest invention of all gadgets, equipment or reading resources is KNOWLEDGE. So, apply and use them for the joy and happiness we share together.
• I would prefer good health and struggles in life than having to gain fame, wealth and all selfish desires being granted.
• I would opt for what is best for my family and people surrounding me rather than accomplishing my own personal goals. For this, we will live a life worth living.

Continuation of Part 1: Photo of a Bird Nest

PART 2

It's been  two days since I told you I would upload the photos of the bird nest. And so I hope I'm not too late to post this up to let you have a look   ;)

Here is the place where this 'burung pipit' with a sharp beak  lives....

If you can see the brown nest with a large hole on the cherry blossom plant display, then, u go it. That's the one. Is a pity that I am unable to point with an arrow because I have yet to know how to use.....

But, if I zoom in further by larger magnification, then we can have a clearer view of how the bird nest is like....Hehe

Well, I'll see whether I an take a photo with the bird in it. However, it might take time because the bird always fly off quickly whenever I about to close the main door or even approaching the nest. Wait and see  for I will try my utmost best in taking the masterpiece of the photo.....

Cutey Bird at Our Doorstep

Part 1
Hi, welcome back and thanks again for taking the time to read my blog. Honestly speaking, I'm starting to enjoy blogging for I can deliver my everyday stories to you whom i couldn't reach at the moment.

Nothing has been going around but I have certain things in my mind for me to bla bla... Till today, I am still trying to adapt to changes that go about everyday without us noticing. By the time you realized, it would be the dawn of the day or sunset before the night.

Just recently, a tiny little bird has built a nest home on our plants being displaced near our wooden door. Actually, there was the time when the same type of bird came during the season and landed on our plant as a temporary home. Whenever I try to approach the nest, the bird will zoom out in a flash, scare that I, the predator might harm her. It really is a pity for I feel that if  only I can be a step closer to her, I might be able to feed her with bread crumbs or sth birds would love. 

And so this tiny bird had given birth to an even smaller baby bird. Couples of weeks has gone by as the baby continued to grow and soon it was taught several practice lessons on flying. The first several attempts by the bird were of course shaky but with the parents support, he managed in the end. Wish could have shown you the process but that's okay because I will be eagerly waiting for this coming bird to come home after her mating period is over. Probably, it would take approximately a week for her to find her destined partner like we humans do. Therefore, her ideal partner would likely to be more muscular, attractive or even more talented in a way.

I will probably take a picture of the bird nest when the sunrises tomorrow. Let me tell you, it really is a blessing seeing the nest being worked out from scratch to a completely new home for them to stay. It amazes me of how this tiny bird can built her home with her own efforts. Unlike us, we would need constructors, architects, painters, and other work forces to have a building developed. Of course, I would clearly understand because the building is a large one to begin with. If it were to be only one person to do all that, it would take ages and might not even be possible.

About time now, so I'll be off to help massage my mum's leg. Will show you the bird nest photo tomorrow. Hehe.......

Never will U be Alone.

It's been a while since I last wrote....Having 1 or 2 people/supporters reading my blog gives me the zeal to write more. I'm glad that this is how we can connect with each other even though we are far apart. 

Well, it's been about a year since the day I got ill. I can tell you that I've been struggling really hard and face so many failures due to lack of self-discipline and confidence towards myself. Sometimes I wonder, does God really exist? To those out who are mentally weak/ low threshold, I bet they do not think so...IF God were to exist, why is it we do not get the comfort and relief we want whenever we need? We can't get what we expect nor can we ask for more...Sometimes, I found it frustrating. But when I think about it, probably because we have not place enough trust and faith in God.

At times when life seems tough or lifeless, I FELT deep sadness and loneliness as I seek for more attention.. Knowing that everyone has their own pathway to go, it can't be help when we have those feelings. There are times when even those besides you seem far away from you for they can only contribute externally. The rest is dependent upon our choice and decision-making. How we response to situation and how we feel are responsibilities that we must take. 

However, as I realized that parents and friends out there are working hard each day and never once given up on me, I felt that God is indeed working through me and the people around me. It is only that I cannot feel that way when I'm in that state. Today, as I slowly found myself gaining more love and support from friends and my family, I realize that I'm indeed lucky. 

I thankful enough for my mum for she has never stopped asking me to study...She would be mad if I don't do so...Well, because of her, I'm slowly gaining my momentum in studying and, I found it more enjoyable. Even friends who are working hard to live their life,..by reading their updates on fb or even blogs, you will get a sense of  motivation to move on.....

So, friends reading this now, you know who you are......U will never be alone when life seems tough. As long we continue to hold hands together and remain steadfastness, I'm sure we can overcome life barriers. 

Love you guys and may you be well and safe.